a badly punctuated stream of consciousness

When it rains it pours: PART TWO

Tuesday 30th October
Feeling better today, which is such a relief cos last night I really wanted to die. Migraines are awful. Also feel good because I got to spend the morning watching the kids play sport. The fresh air does me good. (there’s a pride and prejudice quote that would go nicely here, but I can’t remember, something about fresh air… eyes being brightened by the exercise…something like that.)I didn’t play soccer with them because I haven’t been well, so I just watched. But I really wanted to play. Sport is so fun. Can’t believe it’s taken me 20 years to realise. Jeebus, 20 years. Can’t believe I’ve been around 2 decades! Lol. Anyway, have concocted a plan. I think the reason I never enjoyed sport at school is because I was always crap at it, and never really knew how to do it properly and was just uncoordinated and felt insecure compared to all the boys who could do everything with such grace. And then I did actually enjoy netball, except it was so competitive and bitchy and mean that sometimes, ok often, the fun of the game was lost. The fact that we never won probably also made it harder to feel like all the bitchiness was offset by feelings of success. But then this year I have played quite a few games of friendly sport. Cricket, handball, baseball, volleyball, soccer, touch, and tennis, cops and robbers (not a sport but that was still heaps fun. Actually we could extend it to sports and games, cos stuff like capture the flag is also AWESOME). And I loved every single one. And you know why? Cos I was playing with my friends, and there was no pressure. It didn’t matter that I was uncoordinated and didn’t know the rules. Because nobody was playing strictly by the rules anyway, and nobody was particularly awesome (except Shin at baseball) so my uncoordinaety (is that a word?) didn’t seem so terrible. It was just plain fun. And that’s why I liked it.
So I’ve hatched a plan. I was thinking about starting netball again next year. I haven’t decided on this just yet. I would like to play so it’s a maybe. BUT the whole serious, strict, ‘gotta win’ mentality of organised sport I find frustrating and fun-zapping and a turn off. So I am thinking, why not start a bit of a friendly sports club just with friends and every week at a time that suits everyone we just play a friendly game of something. I don’t want to specify just one sport because I don’t want to play only one sport. We could maybe do a month of tennis and a month of soccer or whatever sport. And I guess as long as there was a fairly committed base group, people could come and go as they please if there were particular sports they preferred. And it wouldn’t have to cost money unless we had to hire a tennis court or something, and we could just play for a couple of hours of an afternoon and just have fun. I don’t want to start a proper uni club or anything cos I don’t want it to be THAT organised, just friendly and fairly regular. Who’s up for that? As long as everyone is committed to friendliness and not getting too serious about winning or any sport in particular, I reckon it sounds awesome personally. So lemme know if you’re interested. J

Wednesday Oct 31
I love mandarins. Was thinking about Jo from Little Women because she eats one in one scene, and I love to eat them that way. Nice to sit back with a mandarin and slowly peel it and eat it’s perfect tiny little portions, which today didn’t have seeds, and forget the world around you. Was thinkning about home. Am homesick today. But not sad. Just….pensive. and I was also thinking how lucky I am. Was thinking about how I hated it when we moved to Yeppoon all those years ago, and how I love and miss it now. And was thinking about the Clissolds (old neighbours) and matthew bully (boy I used to love hehe) and church and the good old days, rollerblading, listening to corrs, eating ghost drops from the pink shop.

And I was thinking about Bruno (Brazilian boy in my class), and all the Brazilian kids here (there are many at the school), and how they probably hate their parents for relocating them too. but it’s so much worse for them than it was for me. They’re not just in another city, they’re in another country, and they don’t speak the language. At least they are with their families, but still, it would be so, so so much harder than what I’m doing now. Especially because I’m an adult, I understand why I’m here, and I chose to be here and I know that if I just wait, I will be home again soon. But when you’re a kid you don’t understand. All you know is that you aren’t where you want to be and it’s your parents’ fault.

Then I was thinking about refugees, who leave their country out of fear and danger and can never go back or they might die. And that makes me sad. It’s just awful that people are forced to leave their homes and their families, under threat of death. Actually I think it’s utterly unacceptable because we humans think we are so great for all our technology but we still can’t treat each other with love and kindness. So I should just stop complaining and be patient because I am very lucky in so many ways, and I know it.
Sigh. Need chocolate.

Ok cleaning time. Japanese school kids clean their classrooms after lunch so I have to go help them do that. Fun. Lol. Actually I don’t mind, and they play this really up-beat ‘this is so fun isn’t it!’ type of music over the speaker system which I think is so cute hehe.

Thursday Nov 1
Omg can’t believe it’s November already. How time flies. Feels like just yesterday it was this time last year. And feels like just yesterday I was still at home. Yet it feels so long ago too. Here’s a song:

It’s raining again
Oh no my loves at an end
Oh no I’m losing a friend

Can’t remember any more of it unfortunately. But it reminds me of driving in the car as a little kid. Not me driving, obviously. It reminds me of Dad cos it was on his tape. Sigh.

It’s a cold drizzly day again today. Outside is chilly and grey and overcast and everything is misty. But inside the staffroom at school it is nice and cosy and I feel really happy. That is mainly because I am warm and dry, and lunch today was really really nice. Croissant shaped bread and a noodle salad and a beef noodle soup thing. Oh and we got dessert today - a tiny little tub of berry cheesecake. Yum. And it is surprising how much the food makes a difference to my mental state here. I am constantly worried about whether or not I will like the food and whether I will offend somebody if I don’t like it. And more worryingly, whether or not I will be able to stomach the food, because I have such a weak stomach and things like seafood I just really can’t eat. So I am always anxious about it, and when I get a nice easy meal that I can not only eat, but that I actually like, it really make me happy.

Anyway, I was sitting at my desk in the classroom eating my cheesecake and thinking about love, actually. The movie I mean. Lol. Was thinking about how Colin Firth’s character Jamie is trying to communicate with the Portuguese girl when the French lady introduces them. He starts off in French, but is very bad at it, and the lady say ‘fortunately she cannot speak French…just like you! She is Portuguese’ so he tries to say something in what he thinks is Portuguese but ends up mixing about 4 different European languages together. She tells him that it didn’t make sense, so he tries again in yet another random mix of languages. And she says something like ‘and what is that? Turkish?!’ hahaha and i giggled to myself and the kids near me looked around and gave me funny looks. Which only made me want to laugh even more. I don’t know why I’m in such a good mood today, but it’s a very good thing given the previous few weeks I have felt pretty much the opposite.

Then I looked out the window at the drizzly sky and the misty mountains and thought how nice it is to be warm and dry inside. And the lyrics of ‘let it snow’ popped into my head, as they so often do here.

‘the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightfulAnd since we’ve no place to go, let it snow let it snow let it snow!’

Well it’s not snowing yet. But it is cold. And there is no fire, but it’s still warm inside. And I don’t have anywhere to go until after school, but I do have lots of work to do. Still, the lyrics are quite fitting for how I feel when I look out the window and it’s cold and wet outside and I’m warm and dry inside.

‘don’t you feel all warm and cosy
Watching people out in the rain?
Schadenfreude! People taking pleasure in your pain!
-Avenue Q

And just while we’re throwing song lyrics all over the place, here’s a random one from Calamity Jane for you just because I love it so. J

“here’s the man the sheriff watches
On his belt there’s more’n twen’y seven notches
On the draw there`s noone faster
And you’re flirting with disaster
When Bill Hickocks reputation you malign!
And I’m glad to say he’s a very good friend…Of a friend OF MIIIIIIINNNEEEEEE!!!”
(oh Bill Hickock….swoon!)

Anyway, the point to the ‘was looking out the window at the weather’ story is that it got me thinking about Yorkshire. I always think about England on rainy days. Rain = England in my head. And I was thinking about when we were in Yorkshire in 2005 (which I never ended up writing about on the blog…sorry people) and how much I liked it, despite the fact that the weather was frightful in SUMMER! Lol. But I love their accents and the way they say ‘our’ in front of proper nouns as if it were part of their name. E.g. ‘oh look, here comes Our John!’ (or if you want to get specific about accents I will try to spell it phonetically so when you read it, it is in yorkshire-ish: “aw look, ‘ere cooms Ow-er John”)And also the way they forget to put ‘the’s in before place names. e.g. “where is our john?” “he’s in classroom” or “ in kitchen” or something similar.I think it’s quaint and lovely and I love it! And I want to go to Yorkshire again!!! Perhaps with Our Naomi. What do you think about that Our Naomi?

Ah bell just rang, have to go clean the classroom now.

Friday 2nd November
Today was the school ‘road race’ (i.e. cross country…only on the road not through bush.) I didn’t run it, but I probably should have. If they’d said I had to, I would have, but they gave me the choice and I didn’t really want to/feel up to it. Was very sick last week, and also had a migraine on Monday night, so I am just very wary about putting extra stress on my body at the moment lest I end up sick again. The last thing I want is to end up back at the hospital facing more blood tests and drips. Plus, I have had a few late nights this week because I have been teaching lessons so had last minute prep and practice to do, plus had things to catch up on from the three days I had off school last week. So I am already tired all the time just from the stress of existing here (if you need an example of how exhausted I am, somehow when I got up this morning I forgot to put on a bra…no idea how I managed to forget, but that is how distracted I am. And I didn’t even notice til about half an hour ago! Even though I got changed into gym clothes and back into my prac clothes today because of the road race…so I got dressed 3 times and didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing a bra! But you didn’t need to know that), on top of which I have had late nights, and I can feel that I am not 100% (have a headache at present moment), so I really just felt it would be better if I didn’t run 2km in the freezing cold. Instead I stood at the end and helped hand out the number cards to kids as they came through. And a kid threw up and I had to help him and I didn’t even gag! How good is that mum! I was so proud of me. The road race was fun to watch and I’m glad I didn’t have to run it. But then on the way back to school (it was about a 10 minute walk from the school to where they ran around the rice field) I walked at the back to keep the slow pokes in line. But they were quite obviously at the back because they didn’t want to be kept in line. They were all over the road and pushing each other and being silly and walking as slowly as possible. I didn’t really mind that much, except that I had specifically been sent to keep them up with the group. And they weren’t. every time I tried to say ‘hurry up’ or ‘car’s coming, keep to the left’ they either ignored me completely, or repeated what I said in funny voices and laughed, and still ignored the instruction. At first I didn’t mind, but after a while it really started to annoy me that they weren’t even attempting to do what I was telling them. And they were getting more and more rowdy. At one point one of the boys jumped into the huge gutter next to the rice field, and after I’d asked him twice in Japanese, I was so pissed off that I ended up just saying loudly ‘just get out!’ which of course sent them all into hysterics because I’d spoken English. By the time we got back to the school I was very cross. It wasn’t the fact that the kids were laughing at me that got to me (I think I have enough self esteem to withstand children’s ridicule), it was the fact that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many different ways I tried to say things, I couldn’t express myself properly and they just wouldn’t listen. And it went on and on and I got crankier and crankier. And unfortunately that feeling hasn’t really left me all day. I’m just pissed off, sick of this place, sick of not being able to express myself and sick of having to put on a happy face 24/7.

It’s funny how quickly my feelings change here. Last week, like I said, was hell. I was unwell and homesick and close to tears about every second minute. But this week, with the exception of Monday night’s migraine, I have been feeling pretty good. Missing people and things, but able to be cheerful on the surface and get on with my work. Actually it’s probably because I’ve been so busy getting ready for my lessons and trying to catch up from last week that I haven’t had time to be too homesick. But little things set me off so easily. I will be coasting along fine until somebody says something that I don’t understand or confuses me or reminds me of home and all of a sudden I’m fed up again and want to go home. Or rather, can’t wait til I am home. I don’t actually want to go home right now, because if I did, I’d be forever mad at myself for not staying and seeing it through. I know from experience now what common sense says anyway, which is that it does suck being away but eventually I will get home again and all I have to do is be patient, and that it’s a good experience and so I should try to enjoy the journey. And I think for the most part I am, despite the ups and downs. I just try to take things one day and one week and one host family at a time, and try not to think too far ahead because if I do that, I start counting and that is bad. But if I can stay focussed on the now, and stay busy, and keep plugging along, and get plenty of sleep, for the most part I am ok. And if I have to watch Stardust on my iPod every 2nd day, well so be it. Hehe.

One thing I’ve been doing here that I never did enough of at home is writing. Not just writing my own thoughts and feelings, but songs and stories too. I’m always so busy at home, and there is always something else to be done, but I find it easier to be disciplined with the diary here because I want to make sure I do actually have a record of my time here. And I’m so glad I kept one in Italy cos I read back over it sometimes and am amazed at all the little things I’d forgotten. But also I have been writing a lot of song lyrics. Most of them are not yet full songs, and don’t even have melodies yet, but I am surprised at how much I have accumulated in the short time I’ve been here, just because I have tried to write stuff down when I think of it, rather than foolishly assuming I’ll remember it and write it down later (because that NEVER works.) I always knew that I was always coming up with stuff at home that I would forget to write down, but it’s amazing just how much and how easy it is when I actually take the time to listen to my creativity. And that, combined with the frustration of the teaching in Japanese, and the starvation I’m feeling musically, makes me once again question Japanese teaching as my future. Can’t wait to get home and immerse myself in music again. And I’m even contemplating writing as a career, because I have so many ideas and I really enjoy it. And let’s face it, I’m never short of words hehehe (thanks again for taking the time to read the thousands of rambly words I put in this blog :D) I’ve always said I’d write a Mills and Boon one day, but I would really like to write something a little more credible than that too. Not that Mills and Boons aren’t fine pieces of literature… :P Anyway, it’s just one of the many things I’ve been thinking about. Ah this song just came on and it is perfect for what I am about to say:

Dream when you’re feeling blue
Dream and they might come true
Things never are as bad as they seem
So dream dream dream

And that’s what I am doing J Cos life really isn’t so bad here, just different. And I can’t help but daydream of home a lot. My imagination is overactive enough when I’m at home, but I’d forgotten just how much I drift off into a land of my own in situations where I don’t understand a thing that’s going on. It used to happen a lot in Italy. And the same thing happens here when they make me sit through staff meetings and go and ‘observe’ classes that I don’t actually have to write proper reports on, or at lunch time, or riding my bike to and from school, or anywhere when I have my thoughts to myself…which is probably 60% of the time. Less than in Italy, because I actually have a job to do here, so i do have work to do and things to think about. And because I do actually understand some Japanese sometimes I can follow what’s going on, and sometimes I have to try even if I can’t. but there are still a lot of times when i am totally lost and it just isn’t worth the headache (because that’s what happens) I get from trying to understand 3 hours of complicated education jargon and justification of teaching technique in Japanese. So I do a lot of daydreaming here. And on top of all the close friends and family and people I see all the time who I think about, I’m always surprised at the number of people I think about that I didn’t expect t think about, or people I hardly ever see at home so am not sure why I am thinking about them now. But chances are if you’re reading this, I’ve been thinking about you. More song lyrics “You were always on my mind”

Am listening to Michael buble if you can’t tell. Omg ‘Home’ just came on. It was my homesick song in Italy. I always skip it at home because it makes me sad, so I have hardly listened to it since then, mianly just because it’s so sad. And here it is now, just because it’s so perfect

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I’ve got to come home

I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream, but you always believed in me

Another winter day has come and gone away
In either paris or rome
And I wanna go home, let me go home
May be surrounded by a million people
But I still feel all alone Let me go home
I’ve had my run, but baby I’m done
I gotta go home

Oh and here’s another one. This one’s for Yeppoon J

The more I see you, the more I want you
Somehow this feeling just grows and grows
With every sigh I become more mad about you
More lost without you
And so it goes

Can you imagine how much I love you
The more I see you as years go by
I know the only one for me can only be you
My arms wont free you and my heart wont try

Lame I know, to dedicate a song to a town. But there, I’ve done it now. Ok one more just cos I can’t resist. This one’s for all of you

I love you in a place where there’s no space or time
I love you for my life, because you’re a friend of mine
And when my life is over, I’ll remember when we were together
…I’m singing my song for you

Ahh one more, that I absolutely can’t leave out because it’s one of my favourites of all time:
I’ve got you under my skin
I’ve got you deep in the heart of me
You’re so deep in my heart that you’re really a part of me
And I’ve got you under my skin
…why should I try to resist when darling I know so well
That I’ve got you under my skin
I’d sacrifice anything come what might for the sake of having you near
In spite of the warning voice that comes in the night and repeats in my ear
Don’t you know little fool, you never can win
Use your mentality, Wake up! Face up to reality
But each time I do just the thought of you makes me stop before I begin
‘Cause I’ve got you under my skin

Just went outside and watched the kids from the science club launch their rockets. It was pretty cool (literally, I mean I was shivering!). They had made these rockets out of softdrink bottles and they half fill them with water and then pump them with air and then fire them off into the sky. Most of them flew pretty well, it was awesome! Some of them went really really high, and a couple even went over the fence on the other end of the oval! One went randomly to the side and landed on a neighbours roof! Haha. And it was just a really nice hour or so, standing outside as the sun went down watching the kids laughing and screaming in delight at their rockets and chatting to the other prac student. He’s Japanese, obviously, and actually went to Daiichi Primary school (where we are) when he was a kid. We had a good long chat and it made me feel really good because I realised that my Japanese has finally taken another step up. In my experiences, language learning tends to come in peaks and plateaus. You cruise along and don’t really feel like you get much better for a while, and then all of a sudden you jump up a level and you’re better. Obviously you’re always learning little by little, and I think that once you reach a certain level of proficiency the jumps seem smaller and smaller, but it’s certainly been my experience that I seem to improve all of a sudden and then not at all for ages. I remember that happened to me in Italy when I didn’t understand anything for aages, and then all of a sudden, in the space of about a week, I could suddenly distinguish words instead of one long flow of Italian. And then in another jump I could suddenly have actual conversations without having to really, really think and stutter and stammer through each sentence. Anyway, as far as Japanese goes, I felt like I had a fairly big jump around the middle of this year, which is quite recent really. And for most of the time I’ve been here I haven’t felt like I’ve actually improved that much. Sure, I learn more vocab, but that was about all. But I realised as I was chatting to Matsumoto-san (the prac guy) that I was speaking quite quickly, and hadn’t actually been concentrating that hard on the conversation cos I was watching the rockets at the same time. And u know what that means people? That means I am speaking more automatically than previously! Hooray! So that has really given me a big lift J Go me J

Saturday 3rd November
I’m at school again today. I was supposed to be at the international festival in Kanazawa today, running another English Conversation thing with the other girls from uni. But my school has an open day for all the parents to come and see all the kids at work and stuff, and so I had to be here in stead of there. I was pretty cranky about it when I first found out, not just because it meant I have been at school for 7 days straight (had to go last Sunday too) but mainly because this international festival thing was one of the few times I could catch up with the other girls. And I was really looking forward do it. But somehow today I’m not so worried about it, and have actually been in a really really good mood. I went to bed early last night, so that definitely helps. And weekends are bread for breakfast days at this hostfamily, so I had vegemite on toast J and the weather is quite good so I rode my bike to school, which I like doing because I like the fresh air, and the freedom of not having to depend on the host family all the time (miss my car soooooo much). And because all the parents are here, I don’t have to teach anything today. So I can sort of sit back and relax and just watch. And the kids are all really happy and chatty today so that’s always good, have had a few laughs with them which I like. And I’m going to Karaoke with some of the teachers today which I am REALLY looking forward to. Gosh I love singing. I was singing in the bath last night and the host family laughed at me when I came out lol. I don’t sing when I’m sad, so singing is a very good sign J Feeling positive and strong and capable and just great. And right now I’m listening to Christina Aguelira because she’s such a good singer, and here’s a nice inspirational lyric from an up-beat song called Soar:

Don’t be scared to fly alone,
find a path that is your own
Love will open every door,
it’s in your hands, the world is yours
Don’t hold back and always know
that all the answers will unfold
What are you waiting for?
Spread your wings and soar!

So it’s lunch time, and I’m sitting in the staff room cupping my hands around a mug of hot black coffee (I don’t know where the milk is so I just drink it black! lol) and I have my big outside coat on because I’m so cold! I’ve realised that it’s because normally I wear a singlet, a three quarter length blouse, a cardigan and my inside jacket. But today I am wearing a long-sleeved blouse, so I didn’t think to wear a cardigan….and I have been shivering all morning! So I decided to swallow my pride and put on my other jacket so I can stay warm and not worry about people laughing at the poor freezing girl from the tropics.

Sunday 4th November
im feeling a bit blue this morning. fine, but probably because i had a late night, and even thought i got tos leep in, which i have ben longing for every time my alarm goes off in the wee small hours of teh morning (its the time i miss you most of all), because i dont realyl have anything to do today my mind drifts home. the family is out at the moment. they let me sleep in because i was out til midnight at karoake with the teachers from school, so they aer comign abck to pick me up to take me to the neighbourhood festival in about half an hour. so it is nice to be able to have an easy slow morning, and particularly nice to get a little time to myself, but atleast when im at school im busy and engaged and intellectually stimulated and that puts me ina good mood. whereas right now im tired and a bit homesick. im fine, not really down, just not up either, if that makes sense.
karaoke last night was alright. it was my supervisingp rac teacher and 2 other ladies from the school. we went to dinner, which was nice and even tho they talked a lot of shop, they also made conversation with em so that was good. but then karaoke, which i did enjoy, just went way too late. the first hour was good, but after 10.30 i was relaly fading fast. my normal bedtimeof late has been about 9-9.30 because i have to get up early, so staying out til midnight was realyl erally hard. and by midnight i was practicaly dead on my feet and the blues had started to take hold, probably a mix of exhaustion and singing songs that remind me of home. and i think that is why im stila bit blue this morning.

anyway, i am fine, glad it is weekend :) and i am going to the neighbourhood festival thing in abotu half an horu so that shoudl be good. better go get ready

hope you have enjoyed these blogs and havent wasted too muhc of your time.

love you all, please keep the emails coming becasue i love reading them even if i never have time to reply

ellen xoxox

ps remember that all teh random Js throughout thes are suppose to be smily faces but stupid japanese computers dont convert them when i copy paste them from word documents. so renenber that J = :)

posted by Ellen of Taranganba @ 6:24 PM