the gaijin needs to vent
Well , I’m sitting in the ‘lounge room’ in my 3rd host family’s house at 3pm on Sunday. This room is just outside my bedroom, which is in fact a bedroom because it has a real bed, not a futon, and the reason I’m sitting in it is because it’s warmer here. Usually if I sit in my room with the door open the heater warms both rooms, but I was sitting on my bed (such luxury) shivering and I finally gave up and decided to come and sit near the heater. I said the room was a lounge room, but given the fact that it only has one wicker chair, I guess lounge is the wrong word. Anyway, it’s the room with all the cds in it, and bookshelves, and full of grown-up children’s old school work.
This third host family is a ‘baa-chan and jii-chan’ family. Which means grandma and grandpa family, but they don’t actually have any grandkids yet so I feel it is incorrect to label them that. They have one daughter, Yaeko, who is about 30 I think, and lives in Kanazawa, about half an hour’s drive away (such a long way in Japan, which I thought was reasonable, until I realised that it’s half an hour’s drive at 60km/h, which is certainly not nearly as far as Yeppoon-Rocky, and so once again I can’t help but scoff when people say it’s far.) and a son who lives in Nagoya who I won’t meet. Did talk too him on the phone the other night though…that was a bit weird. Here foreign girl, talk to our son who you’ve never met on the phone.
Anyway, the couple are very nice, probably mid-50’s and the house is lovely and quiet compared with the previous one (which was filled with 7 year old boy-ness). It’s smaller than the last house, which they keep apologising for, but I hardly even notice because I have my own space, not just physically, but mentally as well. And the last two weeks have been spent in recovery from the physical and mental stress and exhaustion of prac, illness and living with children. I have been attending the local Komatsu College, which is more like a TAFE than a University, which has been great because all 6 of us have been together. It is probably a bit of a disadvantage for our language skills to be always together speaking English, but I really have appreciated it mentally and emotionally. Not only because sometimes you just want to bitch about the whole experience, and not only because it’s nice to be able to communicate without having to think a million miles a second, every second of every day, but also because it’s lovely to just be together and not take everything seriously. A good part of the first 3 days were spent giggling uncontrollably, sometimes because of genuinely humorous occurances, but more often just because! Little things would set us off and we’d be laughing for hours. I think we did scare quite a few of the Japanese people around us then but again, I don’t care, because I, and I think all of us, really really needed the release.
So it’s been a fairly pleasant two weeks for me. I do want to go back a little bit further and cover finishing prac and last weekend with the 2nd host family, and then to detail all the really awesome cultural things I’ve experience in the last 2 weeks, but right now I don’t really feel like it. Because while the last 2 weeks were very comfortable and as close to happy as I think I can feel here, the last 2 days have been a bit less happy unfortunately. This isn’t to do with anything in particular except a normal fluctuation in mood probably. And weekends, as I think I’ve said before, are always a bit harder because there is more time to think. And also, Friday was the ‘one month to go’ day, which is hard because while it is so close, there is still a way to go. Probably being with the 5 other girls from uni has also cracked my little bubble of ‘don’t think about home’ which has meant that I’ve started to get very impatient to be home. And I’m not sure if this feeling will dissipate as the last bout of homesickness did when I got better again and got back to the business of school, or if it will just stay until the end. The fact that I’m not actually sick now, and that this isn’t a feeling of unhappiness or misery with the present situation but rather an intense impatience to be back in my ‘real life,’ makes me think that it might be something I just have to put up with for the next month. Which would suck, because I’d just started allowing myself to think that maybe this trip wouldn’t be discoloured with the misery of homesickness like the Italy trip was. Maybe I’d be able to actually genuinely enjoy it for 90% of them time, except when I was actually ill, when of course my mood would be affected.
But unfortunately at the moment I’m feeling impatient to get home and am in another of my fed-up-with-this-place moods. The reason I think I’ve been feeling this way is because of a few experiences I’ve had in the last few days. Experiences that are simply repeats of things that have happened already many times in Japan, but which perhaps are harder to take every time, or perhaps have, like I said, caught me with my wall down because being with the other 5 Aussies has allowed me to open up a little again. Not that I was totally closed before, but it’s a coping mechanism I think, whereby I become rather stoic, and masklike. But you have to, because the very nature of homestay is such that if you don’t, you only make life harder for yourself, and the people around you. I don’t think you can understand just how truly exhausting it is to have to wear a mask 23 hours of the day until you’ve done it. And having said that, I don’t remember feeling I had to at the first host family, so I think it depends on situation. But for example, at my second host family, I found that eyes were on me 99% of the time. At school I obviously had to be cheery and upbeat with the kids, and professional with all the teachers. I knew and expected that, and although it’s hard in Japanese, I was mentally prepared and it was do-able. But I hadn’t been prepared for it at home as well, which I think was why my first week at the second family, on top of being sick, was so hard to deal with. I had to not only deal with the ‘permanent guest’ dilemma, but also guard every single facial expression. Because as soon as you let the smile fall from your face, not even to a frown, but the slightest crease in the brow, they start badgering you with questions and a fuss is made. And trust me, that is very very tiring. I am trying very hard not to sound ungrateful or rude here, but it is difficult when the truth is that I felt intruded on, a lot. I don’t think of myself as a private person normally, I’m fairly open and extroverted, but I guess that’s the difference between being so by choice, yet having one’s own space to retreat to when needed, and being forced to do so without any retreat except beneath the covers.
Anyway, so once I’d adjusted to that, I put up a wall and put on a mask and managed quite well I felt. But then I got to this next family where I have my own space, and went to the college with the other girls and somewhere along the lines, without realising it, I let the wall come down. So then, when I was confronted with a particular situation not once but about 4 times in the past 24 hours, I wasn’t prepared, and it has angered and upset me more than I expected. And again, it isn’t a new experience, but difficult I think because I wasn’t expecting it and was therefore without my safety wall, and also because I have just been feeling more impatient to be home.
I don’t want to sound rude or ungrateful, and I do realise that I choose to feel hurt and frustrated by this. And I contemplated whether to blog about this or not, but I came to the decision that I need to because I don’t think that this is a Japan-specific problem. I think this is a general foreigner-come-to-visit thing, and therefore that everyone should think about it.
The situation is this: I’m in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language perfectly, but quite well enough to express myself when I need to, and I certainly understand almost everything of general conversation. Not if the conversation is about complex topics or specific to a situation that I haven’t experienced, but general everyday stuff, no worries, I understand. But my, my! What a funny thing a language barrier does to some people. Just because one may sound like a 5 year old when one speaks because one has, as yet, only a grasp of fairly simple language, does not mean one has the mental capacity of a 5 year old. Which, by the way, is quite a lot in reality, but people quite often seem to treat children as stupid because they are young and that’s the point I’m getting at here. Just because I’m only 20, and have the verbal expression of a 5 year old, doesn’t mean I don’t understand what you’ve just said about me, or that I’m incapable of doing things for myself. Or of forming opinions of my own, which many of you will know I quite like to do, :P
But here in Japan it goes further than the language barrier issues, which are frustrating enough. It extends to appearance. What I mean is that I’m quite obviously of Caucasian appearance and definitely not Japanese. So people stare. And we get treated as a novelty, as an amusement, almost as an animal in a zoo at times. Don’t laugh. It’s not funny. I have a lot more sympathy for zoo animals now. And for people who are on the receiving end of racism. I wouldn’t call what we are experiencing racism, because it’s not. But it is frustrating to be immediately identifiably different.
I didn’t experience this phenomenon in Italy really because superficially you couldn’t tell I was any different from them. One notable example was when there was a substitute teacher in the class and she asked me a question, not realising that I wasn’t Italian and had no idea what she said. (it was still very early on before I knew much Italian.) So in Italy, until I opened my mouth, I was exactly like any other kid in the class.
But here it is very different. And I wasn’t kidding about the zoo thing. Out of the 6 of us here, at least 3 of us have had experiences where friends or relatives or neighbours of host families come over to ‘look at the Australian girl.’ Just like a zoo. Not to get to know her, not to even talk to her really, just to look at her, like an animal on display. And it’s frustrating, because then they stand there, patting her arms and smiling patronisingly at her, and talking about her as if she weren’t even there. She may as well be a lifesize cardboard cutout, because that is how it feels at times. And it’s not until they’ve discussed every other detail they can think of, that the spectator thinks to ask ‘Does she speak Japanese?’ To which she quickly replies YES before the host family can reply, with a bit of a defiant note in her voice that she hopes will convey that she understood every bloody thing you just said.
Not that what they are saying is in anyway bad, it’s just fact. Spectator asks host family her name, her age, where in Australia she’s from, how long she’s here, why she’s here, what food she likes, etc etc. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Except that she’s standing right there and perfectly capable of answering for herself, but nobody says anything to her. Think about it this way: if she were just some Japanese relative visiting from another city, or if the entire thing was happening in Australia between 3 Aussies, or in any place where all 3 parties spoke the same language perfectly, then it would be incredibly rude to have an entire conversation about the 3rd party while she is standing right there, and not even try to speak TO her or INVOLVE her in conversation or do anything other than treat her like a zoo animal, to be observed and studied and patronisingly smiled at. And the 3rd party, for the sake of politeness and not-causing-a-fuss-ness, just stands there with a fake smile on her face, seething inside at being patronised and studied in such a way, and doesn’t try very hard to MAKE conversation or correct the host family’s incorrect observations that she ‘LOVES plain rice’ (when really she’s just been too polite to say she hates all the bloody fish flavoured stuff you always put on it so she just say she prefers it plain), because frankly, she didn’t want to meet the random person in the first place.
So the moral of the story is: foreigners are people too. And you should treat them as you would treat any other person. Don’t assume that because a person can’t communicate very well in a 2nd (or 3rd! or 4th! Or 5th!) language that they aren’t intelligent or capable of doing things for themselves. And DON’T assume that they don’t understand more than they speak, or more than they let on. (because sometimes they are just so pissed off at being treated like an idiot or so tired/homesick/longing for their own space that they don’t WANT to speak to you, so they pretend that they can’t). So be careful what you say about them in their presence. Particularly just because communication isn’t all about words and a patronising smile or tone of voice is the same in all languages. And don’t pat them or call them cute. That will only further the similarities they feel for zoo animals and they won’t like it.
When it rains it pours: PART TWO
Tuesday 30th October
Feeling better today, which is such a relief cos last night I really wanted to die. Migraines are awful. Also feel good because I got to spend the morning watching the kids play sport. The fresh air does me good. (there’s a pride and prejudice quote that would go nicely here, but I can’t remember, something about fresh air… eyes being brightened by the exercise…something like that.)I didn’t play soccer with them because I haven’t been well, so I just watched. But I really wanted to play. Sport is so fun. Can’t believe it’s taken me 20 years to realise. Jeebus, 20 years. Can’t believe I’ve been around 2 decades! Lol. Anyway, have concocted a plan. I think the reason I never enjoyed sport at school is because I was always crap at it, and never really knew how to do it properly and was just uncoordinated and felt insecure compared to all the boys who could do everything with such grace. And then I did actually enjoy netball, except it was so competitive and bitchy and mean that sometimes, ok often, the fun of the game was lost. The fact that we never won probably also made it harder to feel like all the bitchiness was offset by feelings of success. But then this year I have played quite a few games of friendly sport. Cricket, handball, baseball, volleyball, soccer, touch, and tennis, cops and robbers (not a sport but that was still heaps fun. Actually we could extend it to sports and games, cos stuff like capture the flag is also AWESOME). And I loved every single one. And you know why? Cos I was playing with my friends, and there was no pressure. It didn’t matter that I was uncoordinated and didn’t know the rules. Because nobody was playing strictly by the rules anyway, and nobody was particularly awesome (except Shin at baseball) so my uncoordinaety (is that a word?) didn’t seem so terrible. It was just plain fun. And that’s why I liked it.
So I’ve hatched a plan. I was thinking about starting netball again next year. I haven’t decided on this just yet. I would like to play so it’s a maybe. BUT the whole serious, strict, ‘gotta win’ mentality of organised sport I find frustrating and fun-zapping and a turn off. So I am thinking, why not start a bit of a friendly sports club just with friends and every week at a time that suits everyone we just play a friendly game of something. I don’t want to specify just one sport because I don’t want to play only one sport. We could maybe do a month of tennis and a month of soccer or whatever sport. And I guess as long as there was a fairly committed base group, people could come and go as they please if there were particular sports they preferred. And it wouldn’t have to cost money unless we had to hire a tennis court or something, and we could just play for a couple of hours of an afternoon and just have fun. I don’t want to start a proper uni club or anything cos I don’t want it to be THAT organised, just friendly and fairly regular. Who’s up for that? As long as everyone is committed to friendliness and not getting too serious about winning or any sport in particular, I reckon it sounds awesome personally. So lemme know if you’re interested. J
Wednesday Oct 31
I love mandarins. Was thinking about Jo from Little Women because she eats one in one scene, and I love to eat them that way. Nice to sit back with a mandarin and slowly peel it and eat it’s perfect tiny little portions, which today didn’t have seeds, and forget the world around you. Was thinkning about home. Am homesick today. But not sad. Just….pensive. and I was also thinking how lucky I am. Was thinking about how I hated it when we moved to Yeppoon all those years ago, and how I love and miss it now. And was thinking about the Clissolds (old neighbours) and matthew bully (boy I used to love hehe) and church and the good old days, rollerblading, listening to corrs, eating ghost drops from the pink shop.
And I was thinking about Bruno (Brazilian boy in my class), and all the Brazilian kids here (there are many at the school), and how they probably hate their parents for relocating them too. but it’s so much worse for them than it was for me. They’re not just in another city, they’re in another country, and they don’t speak the language. At least they are with their families, but still, it would be so, so so much harder than what I’m doing now. Especially because I’m an adult, I understand why I’m here, and I chose to be here and I know that if I just wait, I will be home again soon. But when you’re a kid you don’t understand. All you know is that you aren’t where you want to be and it’s your parents’ fault.
Then I was thinking about refugees, who leave their country out of fear and danger and can never go back or they might die. And that makes me sad. It’s just awful that people are forced to leave their homes and their families, under threat of death. Actually I think it’s utterly unacceptable because we humans think we are so great for all our technology but we still can’t treat each other with love and kindness. So I should just stop complaining and be patient because I am very lucky in so many ways, and I know it.
Sigh. Need chocolate.
Ok cleaning time. Japanese school kids clean their classrooms after lunch so I have to go help them do that. Fun. Lol. Actually I don’t mind, and they play this really up-beat ‘this is so fun isn’t it!’ type of music over the speaker system which I think is so cute hehe.
Thursday Nov 1
Omg can’t believe it’s November already. How time flies. Feels like just yesterday it was this time last year. And feels like just yesterday I was still at home. Yet it feels so long ago too. Here’s a song:
It’s raining again
Oh no my loves at an end
Oh no I’m losing a friend
Can’t remember any more of it unfortunately. But it reminds me of driving in the car as a little kid. Not me driving, obviously. It reminds me of Dad cos it was on his tape. Sigh.
It’s a cold drizzly day again today. Outside is chilly and grey and overcast and everything is misty. But inside the staffroom at school it is nice and cosy and I feel really happy. That is mainly because I am warm and dry, and lunch today was really really nice. Croissant shaped bread and a noodle salad and a beef noodle soup thing. Oh and we got dessert today - a tiny little tub of berry cheesecake. Yum. And it is surprising how much the food makes a difference to my mental state here. I am constantly worried about whether or not I will like the food and whether I will offend somebody if I don’t like it. And more worryingly, whether or not I will be able to stomach the food, because I have such a weak stomach and things like seafood I just really can’t eat. So I am always anxious about it, and when I get a nice easy meal that I can not only eat, but that I actually like, it really make me happy.
Anyway, I was sitting at my desk in the classroom eating my cheesecake and thinking about love, actually. The movie I mean. Lol. Was thinking about how Colin Firth’s character Jamie is trying to communicate with the Portuguese girl when the French lady introduces them. He starts off in French, but is very bad at it, and the lady say ‘fortunately she cannot speak French…just like you! She is Portuguese’ so he tries to say something in what he thinks is Portuguese but ends up mixing about 4 different European languages together. She tells him that it didn’t make sense, so he tries again in yet another random mix of languages. And she says something like ‘and what is that? Turkish?!’ hahaha and i giggled to myself and the kids near me looked around and gave me funny looks. Which only made me want to laugh even more. I don’t know why I’m in such a good mood today, but it’s a very good thing given the previous few weeks I have felt pretty much the opposite.
Then I looked out the window at the drizzly sky and the misty mountains and thought how nice it is to be warm and dry inside. And the lyrics of ‘let it snow’ popped into my head, as they so often do here.
‘the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightfulAnd since we’ve no place to go, let it snow let it snow let it snow!’
Well it’s not snowing yet. But it is cold. And there is no fire, but it’s still warm inside. And I don’t have anywhere to go until after school, but I do have lots of work to do. Still, the lyrics are quite fitting for how I feel when I look out the window and it’s cold and wet outside and I’m warm and dry inside.
‘don’t you feel all warm and cosy
Watching people out in the rain?
Schadenfreude! People taking pleasure in your pain!
-Avenue Q
And just while we’re throwing song lyrics all over the place, here’s a random one from Calamity Jane for you just because I love it so. J
“here’s the man the sheriff watches
On his belt there’s more’n twen’y seven notches
On the draw there`s noone faster
And you’re flirting with disaster
When Bill Hickocks reputation you malign!
And I’m glad to say he’s a very good friend…Of a friend OF MIIIIIIINNNEEEEEE!!!”
(oh Bill Hickock….swoon!)
Anyway, the point to the ‘was looking out the window at the weather’ story is that it got me thinking about Yorkshire. I always think about England on rainy days. Rain = England in my head. And I was thinking about when we were in Yorkshire in 2005 (which I never ended up writing about on the blog…sorry people) and how much I liked it, despite the fact that the weather was frightful in SUMMER! Lol. But I love their accents and the way they say ‘our’ in front of proper nouns as if it were part of their name. E.g. ‘oh look, here comes Our John!’ (or if you want to get specific about accents I will try to spell it phonetically so when you read it, it is in yorkshire-ish: “aw look, ‘ere cooms Ow-er John”)And also the way they forget to put ‘the’s in before place names. e.g. “where is our john?” “he’s in classroom” or “ in kitchen” or something similar.I think it’s quaint and lovely and I love it! And I want to go to Yorkshire again!!! Perhaps with Our Naomi. What do you think about that Our Naomi?
Ah bell just rang, have to go clean the classroom now.
Friday 2nd November
Today was the school ‘road race’ (i.e. cross country…only on the road not through bush.) I didn’t run it, but I probably should have. If they’d said I had to, I would have, but they gave me the choice and I didn’t really want to/feel up to it. Was very sick last week, and also had a migraine on Monday night, so I am just very wary about putting extra stress on my body at the moment lest I end up sick again. The last thing I want is to end up back at the hospital facing more blood tests and drips. Plus, I have had a few late nights this week because I have been teaching lessons so had last minute prep and practice to do, plus had things to catch up on from the three days I had off school last week. So I am already tired all the time just from the stress of existing here (if you need an example of how exhausted I am, somehow when I got up this morning I forgot to put on a bra…no idea how I managed to forget, but that is how distracted I am. And I didn’t even notice til about half an hour ago! Even though I got changed into gym clothes and back into my prac clothes today because of the road race…so I got dressed 3 times and didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing a bra! But you didn’t need to know that), on top of which I have had late nights, and I can feel that I am not 100% (have a headache at present moment), so I really just felt it would be better if I didn’t run 2km in the freezing cold. Instead I stood at the end and helped hand out the number cards to kids as they came through. And a kid threw up and I had to help him and I didn’t even gag! How good is that mum! I was so proud of me. The road race was fun to watch and I’m glad I didn’t have to run it. But then on the way back to school (it was about a 10 minute walk from the school to where they ran around the rice field) I walked at the back to keep the slow pokes in line. But they were quite obviously at the back because they didn’t want to be kept in line. They were all over the road and pushing each other and being silly and walking as slowly as possible. I didn’t really mind that much, except that I had specifically been sent to keep them up with the group. And they weren’t. every time I tried to say ‘hurry up’ or ‘car’s coming, keep to the left’ they either ignored me completely, or repeated what I said in funny voices and laughed, and still ignored the instruction. At first I didn’t mind, but after a while it really started to annoy me that they weren’t even attempting to do what I was telling them. And they were getting more and more rowdy. At one point one of the boys jumped into the huge gutter next to the rice field, and after I’d asked him twice in Japanese, I was so pissed off that I ended up just saying loudly ‘just get out!’ which of course sent them all into hysterics because I’d spoken English. By the time we got back to the school I was very cross. It wasn’t the fact that the kids were laughing at me that got to me (I think I have enough self esteem to withstand children’s ridicule), it was the fact that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many different ways I tried to say things, I couldn’t express myself properly and they just wouldn’t listen. And it went on and on and I got crankier and crankier. And unfortunately that feeling hasn’t really left me all day. I’m just pissed off, sick of this place, sick of not being able to express myself and sick of having to put on a happy face 24/7.
It’s funny how quickly my feelings change here. Last week, like I said, was hell. I was unwell and homesick and close to tears about every second minute. But this week, with the exception of Monday night’s migraine, I have been feeling pretty good. Missing people and things, but able to be cheerful on the surface and get on with my work. Actually it’s probably because I’ve been so busy getting ready for my lessons and trying to catch up from last week that I haven’t had time to be too homesick. But little things set me off so easily. I will be coasting along fine until somebody says something that I don’t understand or confuses me or reminds me of home and all of a sudden I’m fed up again and want to go home. Or rather, can’t wait til I am home. I don’t actually want to go home right now, because if I did, I’d be forever mad at myself for not staying and seeing it through. I know from experience now what common sense says anyway, which is that it does suck being away but eventually I will get home again and all I have to do is be patient, and that it’s a good experience and so I should try to enjoy the journey. And I think for the most part I am, despite the ups and downs. I just try to take things one day and one week and one host family at a time, and try not to think too far ahead because if I do that, I start counting and that is bad. But if I can stay focussed on the now, and stay busy, and keep plugging along, and get plenty of sleep, for the most part I am ok. And if I have to watch Stardust on my iPod every 2nd day, well so be it. Hehe.
One thing I’ve been doing here that I never did enough of at home is writing. Not just writing my own thoughts and feelings, but songs and stories too. I’m always so busy at home, and there is always something else to be done, but I find it easier to be disciplined with the diary here because I want to make sure I do actually have a record of my time here. And I’m so glad I kept one in Italy cos I read back over it sometimes and am amazed at all the little things I’d forgotten. But also I have been writing a lot of song lyrics. Most of them are not yet full songs, and don’t even have melodies yet, but I am surprised at how much I have accumulated in the short time I’ve been here, just because I have tried to write stuff down when I think of it, rather than foolishly assuming I’ll remember it and write it down later (because that NEVER works.) I always knew that I was always coming up with stuff at home that I would forget to write down, but it’s amazing just how much and how easy it is when I actually take the time to listen to my creativity. And that, combined with the frustration of the teaching in Japanese, and the starvation I’m feeling musically, makes me once again question Japanese teaching as my future. Can’t wait to get home and immerse myself in music again. And I’m even contemplating writing as a career, because I have so many ideas and I really enjoy it. And let’s face it, I’m never short of words hehehe (thanks again for taking the time to read the thousands of rambly words I put in this blog :D) I’ve always said I’d write a Mills and Boon one day, but I would really like to write something a little more credible than that too. Not that Mills and Boons aren’t fine pieces of literature… :P Anyway, it’s just one of the many things I’ve been thinking about. Ah this song just came on and it is perfect for what I am about to say:
Dream when you’re feeling blue
Dream and they might come true
Things never are as bad as they seem
So dream dream dream
And that’s what I am doing J Cos life really isn’t so bad here, just different. And I can’t help but daydream of home a lot. My imagination is overactive enough when I’m at home, but I’d forgotten just how much I drift off into a land of my own in situations where I don’t understand a thing that’s going on. It used to happen a lot in Italy. And the same thing happens here when they make me sit through staff meetings and go and ‘observe’ classes that I don’t actually have to write proper reports on, or at lunch time, or riding my bike to and from school, or anywhere when I have my thoughts to myself…which is probably 60% of the time. Less than in Italy, because I actually have a job to do here, so i do have work to do and things to think about. And because I do actually understand some Japanese sometimes I can follow what’s going on, and sometimes I have to try even if I can’t. but there are still a lot of times when i am totally lost and it just isn’t worth the headache (because that’s what happens) I get from trying to understand 3 hours of complicated education jargon and justification of teaching technique in Japanese. So I do a lot of daydreaming here. And on top of all the close friends and family and people I see all the time who I think about, I’m always surprised at the number of people I think about that I didn’t expect t think about, or people I hardly ever see at home so am not sure why I am thinking about them now. But chances are if you’re reading this, I’ve been thinking about you. More song lyrics “You were always on my mind”
Am listening to Michael buble if you can’t tell. Omg ‘Home’ just came on. It was my homesick song in Italy. I always skip it at home because it makes me sad, so I have hardly listened to it since then, mianly just because it’s so sad. And here it is now, just because it’s so perfect
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I’ve got to come home
I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream, but you always believed in me
Another winter day has come and gone away
In either paris or rome
And I wanna go home, let me go home
May be surrounded by a million people
But I still feel all alone Let me go home
I’ve had my run, but baby I’m done
I gotta go home
Oh and here’s another one. This one’s for Yeppoon J
The more I see you, the more I want you
Somehow this feeling just grows and grows
With every sigh I become more mad about you
More lost without you
And so it goes
Can you imagine how much I love you
The more I see you as years go by
I know the only one for me can only be you
My arms wont free you and my heart wont try
Lame I know, to dedicate a song to a town. But there, I’ve done it now. Ok one more just cos I can’t resist. This one’s for all of you
I love you in a place where there’s no space or time
I love you for my life, because you’re a friend of mine
And when my life is over, I’ll remember when we were together
…I’m singing my song for you
Ahh one more, that I absolutely can’t leave out because it’s one of my favourites of all time:
I’ve got you under my skin
I’ve got you deep in the heart of me
You’re so deep in my heart that you’re really a part of me
And I’ve got you under my skin
…why should I try to resist when darling I know so well
That I’ve got you under my skin
I’d sacrifice anything come what might for the sake of having you near
In spite of the warning voice that comes in the night and repeats in my ear
Don’t you know little fool, you never can win
Use your mentality, Wake up! Face up to reality
But each time I do just the thought of you makes me stop before I begin
‘Cause I’ve got you under my skin
Just went outside and watched the kids from the science club launch their rockets. It was pretty cool (literally, I mean I was shivering!). They had made these rockets out of softdrink bottles and they half fill them with water and then pump them with air and then fire them off into the sky. Most of them flew pretty well, it was awesome! Some of them went really really high, and a couple even went over the fence on the other end of the oval! One went randomly to the side and landed on a neighbours roof! Haha. And it was just a really nice hour or so, standing outside as the sun went down watching the kids laughing and screaming in delight at their rockets and chatting to the other prac student. He’s Japanese, obviously, and actually went to Daiichi Primary school (where we are) when he was a kid. We had a good long chat and it made me feel really good because I realised that my Japanese has finally taken another step up. In my experiences, language learning tends to come in peaks and plateaus. You cruise along and don’t really feel like you get much better for a while, and then all of a sudden you jump up a level and you’re better. Obviously you’re always learning little by little, and I think that once you reach a certain level of proficiency the jumps seem smaller and smaller, but it’s certainly been my experience that I seem to improve all of a sudden and then not at all for ages. I remember that happened to me in Italy when I didn’t understand anything for aages, and then all of a sudden, in the space of about a week, I could suddenly distinguish words instead of one long flow of Italian. And then in another jump I could suddenly have actual conversations without having to really, really think and stutter and stammer through each sentence. Anyway, as far as Japanese goes, I felt like I had a fairly big jump around the middle of this year, which is quite recent really. And for most of the time I’ve been here I haven’t felt like I’ve actually improved that much. Sure, I learn more vocab, but that was about all. But I realised as I was chatting to Matsumoto-san (the prac guy) that I was speaking quite quickly, and hadn’t actually been concentrating that hard on the conversation cos I was watching the rockets at the same time. And u know what that means people? That means I am speaking more automatically than previously! Hooray! So that has really given me a big lift J Go me J
Saturday 3rd November
I’m at school again today. I was supposed to be at the international festival in Kanazawa today, running another English Conversation thing with the other girls from uni. But my school has an open day for all the parents to come and see all the kids at work and stuff, and so I had to be here in stead of there. I was pretty cranky about it when I first found out, not just because it meant I have been at school for 7 days straight (had to go last Sunday too) but mainly because this international festival thing was one of the few times I could catch up with the other girls. And I was really looking forward do it. But somehow today I’m not so worried about it, and have actually been in a really really good mood. I went to bed early last night, so that definitely helps. And weekends are bread for breakfast days at this hostfamily, so I had vegemite on toast J and the weather is quite good so I rode my bike to school, which I like doing because I like the fresh air, and the freedom of not having to depend on the host family all the time (miss my car soooooo much). And because all the parents are here, I don’t have to teach anything today. So I can sort of sit back and relax and just watch. And the kids are all really happy and chatty today so that’s always good, have had a few laughs with them which I like. And I’m going to Karaoke with some of the teachers today which I am REALLY looking forward to. Gosh I love singing. I was singing in the bath last night and the host family laughed at me when I came out lol. I don’t sing when I’m sad, so singing is a very good sign J Feeling positive and strong and capable and just great. And right now I’m listening to Christina Aguelira because she’s such a good singer, and here’s a nice inspirational lyric from an up-beat song called Soar:
Don’t be scared to fly alone,
find a path that is your own
Love will open every door,
it’s in your hands, the world is yours
Don’t hold back and always know
that all the answers will unfold
What are you waiting for?
Spread your wings and soar!
So it’s lunch time, and I’m sitting in the staff room cupping my hands around a mug of hot black coffee (I don’t know where the milk is so I just drink it black! lol) and I have my big outside coat on because I’m so cold! I’ve realised that it’s because normally I wear a singlet, a three quarter length blouse, a cardigan and my inside jacket. But today I am wearing a long-sleeved blouse, so I didn’t think to wear a cardigan….and I have been shivering all morning! So I decided to swallow my pride and put on my other jacket so I can stay warm and not worry about people laughing at the poor freezing girl from the tropics.
Sunday 4th November
im feeling a bit blue this morning. fine, but probably because i had a late night, and even thought i got tos leep in, which i have ben longing for every time my alarm goes off in the wee small hours of teh morning (its the time i miss you most of all), because i dont realyl have anything to do today my mind drifts home. the family is out at the moment. they let me sleep in because i was out til midnight at karoake with the teachers from school, so they aer comign abck to pick me up to take me to the neighbourhood festival in about half an hour. so it is nice to be able to have an easy slow morning, and particularly nice to get a little time to myself, but atleast when im at school im busy and engaged and intellectually stimulated and that puts me ina good mood. whereas right now im tired and a bit homesick. im fine, not really down, just not up either, if that makes sense.
karaoke last night was alright. it was my supervisingp rac teacher and 2 other ladies from the school. we went to dinner, which was nice and even tho they talked a lot of shop, they also made conversation with em so that was good. but then karaoke, which i did enjoy, just went way too late. the first hour was good, but after 10.30 i was relaly fading fast. my normal bedtimeof late has been about 9-9.30 because i have to get up early, so staying out til midnight was realyl erally hard. and by midnight i was practicaly dead on my feet and the blues had started to take hold, probably a mix of exhaustion and singing songs that remind me of home. and i think that is why im stila bit blue this morning.
anyway, i am fine, glad it is weekend :) and i am going to the neighbourhood festival thing in abotu half an horu so that shoudl be good. better go get ready
hope you have enjoyed these blogs and havent wasted too muhc of your time.
love you all, please keep the emails coming becasue i love reading them even if i never have time to reply
ellen xoxox
ps remember that all teh random Js throughout thes are suppose to be smily faces but stupid japanese computers dont convert them when i copy paste them from word documents. so renenber that J = :)
When it rains it pours: PART ONE
That saying fits in so many ways right now that I couldn’t resist it as the title of this blog. Firstly, literally, the weather has been rather rainy these last few weeks.
Secondly because I go so long between blogs, but when I do post one, you can guarantee it’s gunna be loooooong. Cos I have so, so much to say.
Thirdly because Prac is snowballing into a LOT of work. I always knew it was going to be, but for the first few weeks there wasn’t really that much to do. I mean there was but there wasn’t. Anyway this week and next week I am teaching lessons, which is hard enough in English, let alone Japanese. Everything takes sooo much longer to do because you have to think so hard and look up so much in the dictionary just to say what you want to say. Plus, because I was sick last week I have stuff to catch up on. So prac is busy busy busy at the moment.
Next because my creative juices are flowing and I can’t believe how much I can produce when I sit down with a pen and paper and some spare time.Also because songs are floating around my head like fruit flies on ripe pawpaws. (what a random analogy. Lol) And I always have one in my head to explain how I’m feeling. So be prepared for a lyric-ful blog.
And lastly, because last week was a bad week, not just because I changed host families, not just because the homesickness finally hit, but also because I got sick. AND it was raining lol. So yeah, when it rains, it pours.
Here is your first song lyric. I have been listening to Norah Jones’ new album “Not too late” a lot the last few weeks. And this song in particular rings true right now:
Wake me up when it’s over
wake me up when it’s done
when I’ve made my way back home (ok so I altered that line)
wake me up
wake me up when the skies are blue
when the water is still
I will not watch the ship sail away so
Please say you will
If this were any other day this wouldn’t get the best of me
Today I’m not so strong
So bring me down with a sad song
When it stops, then you’ll know I’ve been gone too long
Don’t shake me awake,
Don’t bend me or I will break
Find me somewhere between my dreamsWith the sun on my face
I will still feel this later on
But for now I’d rather be asleep
-Norah Jones ‘Wake Me Up’
And once again, months, even years ago, somebody wrote a song and put into music and lyrics exactly what I’m feeling right now. In my last blog I was going really well, but my how things change. Have had a hell of a week. Changed host families on Sunday (21st Oct) which was fine, but I was sad because I really loved my first host family and felt like I’d only just gotten to know them and I had to leave. Plus, I didn’t know it at the time, but I was already sick, which was probably why I was SOOOOO tired and why the change of host families upset me so much because my emotional reserves were nil. And why I was so frustrated and had so little patience with my new host mother and brother at the start. All I wanted to do was sleep and wallow in homesickness (for the previous hostfamily, not home…yet) not put on a happy face and be a good guest. Of course I DID put on a happy face and be a good guest, but it was a real stretch. I had a tiny bit of a sore throat at that stage, but I thought it was simply because I was tired and a sign that I needed an early night and it would get better, which is what usually happens to me when I start to get run down. It’s my body’s early warning sign that if I don’t take care of myself a bit better I will get sick. So I had an early night, and woke up the next morning feeling better and went to school. School was fine, but I had a headache which got slowly worse throughout the day. The food that day I seem to remember was also a struggle to eat too, so that didn’t help. It’s so much harder to steel myself against food I’m not keep on when I’m tired. Also, the sore throat came back towards the end of the day. By the time I got home I was just totally exhausted, and didn’t feel like being babied by the well-meaning, but frustrating host mother. I realise that she is used to dealing with a 7 year old who can’t look after himself, and that she didn’t know me at all, and that she was only trying to help. But by the end of Monday night I was practically fuming at the overprotective way she was treating me. Looking back it is obvious that I was tired, had little patience, and was probably taking it all too much to heart. And getting used to the new family, I didn’t yet know their routines or they mine, and I was sick, but didn’t yet know it, so I was pretty frustrated at being told to do things that I had already done or was going to do anyway, or at not being allowed to do things for myself. It was all the little things that were getting to me, like not being allowed to fill up my own cup of water, that basically made me feel like they didn’t trust me and thought that I was incapable of looking after myself.
I just want to say again now that I realise they were only trying to help and that they probably didn’t think I was incapable of looking after myself, but my independence was very much offended. I ended up going to bed very early that night, not just because I was so tired, but also because I was so frustrated, and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep smiling and being polite when underneath my rubber band was close to breaking point.
Went to bed that night, but woke up about midnight with a fever and very very sore throat. I knew immediately that it was tonsillitis (I know the self diagnosis isn’t always correct. But I’ve had it so so many times in my life, that by now I am pretty darn sure when I have it) and that there was no way I was going to school Tuesday, and that I’d probably have to go to the hospital (They don’t seem to have doctors surgeries here, just hospitals, and I had to go because we have to get doctors certificates if we are off school, and also to claim any money back on insurance). But it was the middle of the night, and I knew there was nothing to do but wait til morning. Unfortunately in my midnight feverish stupidity, I forgot that I had some Aspirin in my bag, and maybe if I’d taken some I could have killed the fever, or atleast had some relief, and maybe I’d have been able to sleep. But I didn’t take any, so I tossed and turned for the rest of the night and ended up throwing up a few times. It wasnt fun. At 6.30 (breakfast time) I got up and managed to explain to my host mum that I was sick and that I couldn’t go to school. Then I went back to bed and eventually did manage to sleep.
At about 9 my host mum woke me and we went to the hospital. I felt like hell, but I knew I had to go so I could get medicine to get better. We got there and had to wait in line forever because I’d never been there before so had to fill out all the forms about medical history. Which was no easy feat in Japanese. Plus, my head was pounding and my stomach had started to feel unsettled again. Then, on our way to the part of the hospital we needed to be in, my host mum ran into someone she knew and stood there having a conversation for about 15 minutes. And they kept talking to me and making me make conversation, which I really didn’t think was very nice at all, considering I can’t speak Japanese, and I was sick as a dog, making the Japanese even harder. Eventually we went to the waiting room of the next place and waited. And waited. By the time they finally let me in, I was feeling close to tears and like there was a chance I might vomit. I thought I’d be ok tho, I’d just go in, they’d look down my throat and see that I had tonsillitis, give me a script and we’d go. Well, that’s what happens in Australia anyway. But no. Not in overprotective Japan. They asked me what was wrong, I tried to explain that my head was pounding, my throat hurt like hell and my stomach was feeling rather dangerously unsettled. They stethoscoped me, told me to stick my tongue out and say ahhh, did the usual checks. Host mother and lady doctor are discussing something I don’t understand, while nurse stands around waiting. Then they move me to another chair, and stick a tube in my mouth! I haven’t yet been able to explain that I have a very weak stomach and a very strong gag reflex. But most people do have quite a strong gag reflex when things are SHOVED DOWN THEIR THROAT! Ok, so this wasn’t put down my throat, but it was far back in my mouth, and they said I had to just hold it there for 15 minutes. I’m sure she said 15 minutes. There was air coming out of the tube onto the back of my mouth/throat and I think it was supposed to be sterilising my tonsils, but I’m not sure. I was already feeling queasy, and that was the final straw. I tried to hold on as long as I could, but I don’t think I lasted much more than a minute before I threw up. And then everyone seemed all surprised, which I didn’t understand because I’d already said I felt like I might throw up when they asked me how I felt, and then they stuck a bloody tube down my throat. What did they expect? Sheesh.
I’m not sure if they were going to send us to the other ward anyway, or if it was a result of me vomiting, but once I stopped, they sent us to another waiting room. Didn’t tell me anything about what I had or medicine or anything. Just sent us away. I don’t think they knew yet honestly. And we waited. And waited. And waited. It seemed like a very long time. I don’t know what time we went in to see that first doctor, but we left home a bit after 9, the hospital was only about 10 mins drive, and didn’t get to see the next dr til 12ish. I still had a pounding headache, but at least my tummy felt a little better after the throwing up. Finally did see the next doctor, she did the same thing with the stethoscoping and stick your tongue out and say aah. Then we went to yet another room. I didn’t understand what she said to me but lay down on the bed and waited while she left the room. My hostmother was still with me. Lady came back, and with the use of a denshi jisho (electronic dictionary) they managed to explain to me that they were goinig to give me a blood test… WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?! People! I have tonsillitis! I don’t need a bloody blood test! Then they managed to explain that after that they might need to put me on a drip! What went through my mind at that stage was exactly what went through Bridget Jones’ mind when she is caught lying about being on the phone to Professor F.R. Leavis, (who died in 1978.) #$%*#%%&#^#%^@%& pretty much sums it up. And I really, really wanted my mum, and knew it was only a matter of time until I started to cry. But I could tell it wasn’t going to be avoided, so I tried to explain that I’m not real good with needles. Told them that I would probably faint, and might then start throwing up again, but that that is just my usual response to needles. They didn’t seem to believe me. Or maybe they didn’t understand. They seemed to understand fainting and vomiting, but I don’t know if they understood that I meant they are the usual responses of my body to needles. Or if they did understand, they didn’t believe me.
Because of course she is just a 20 year old Australian girl, who is probably delirious from fever and can’t speak Japanese anyway so why would she be able to predict what will happen if we give her a needle? Well, you see Japanese doctors, I know ONLY BECAUSE IT HAPPENS EVERY BLOODY TIME! And if you need further proof, ask the nurses at the Rockhampton Blood Bank. Or, my mum. Or if you need to ask somebody who is actually in Japan, actually in Komatsu, at this present moment, ask Amber, because she happened to give blood at the same time, so she saw the whole thing. Poor girl.But of course I didn’t say that, even if I could have I wouldn’t have. Because I am too polite. But if I could communicate better I certainly would have stressed the fact that I’m not good with needles some more. And if I didn’t feel so wretched. But instead i just resigned myself to it and tried not to cry.
So they gave me the blood test. I was so exhausted and felt so awful and wanted my mum so much by that stage that even tho the needle didn’t really hurt,( and because I have had so many bad experiences with needles in the past, most recently my notable blood donation, I have developed a bit of a complex about them) I started to cry. And once I started I couldn’t stop. It wasn’t the needle, that was just the catalyst. It was everything: the lack of sleep, the splitting headache, the sore throat, the vomiting, the whole scariness of hospital, missing my other host mum who I’d at least developed a relationship with and trusted, the homesickness which was overwhelming at that stage, and particularly the fact that my mum wasn’t there to hold my hand tell the nurses to just let me go home and sleep. So I cried and cried and cried. I think it was the first time I’d cried in Japan at that stage. All I can say is that I think the crying distracted my body from fainting, because I didn’t faint, or throw up. I was still lying down though. Anyway I just kept crying and I couldn’t stop. At first they didn’t seem too worried by the crying. But after a while I think they figured out that I’m not good with needles (which was really very perceptive of them, don’t you think?) and so they actually ASKED me if I WANTED a drip. Oh yes, pretty please! …..NOT!
So I got out of the drip. Which was a relief. Didn’t stop the crying though. They left me and my host mother there in the room and I don’t know how long we were there for, but I cried myself to sleep. And I needed to sleep so much, and just felt so wretched, that I was pretty damn pissed off when they woke me up about 1pm. And my head was still pounding and my throat was still killing. We left that room and went to yet another waiting room, but fortunately didn’t have to wait for long. Went in to see yet another doctor, who had the results of my blood test. Isn’t it funny how much of a difference bedside manner makes. Not that the other nurses and lady doctors hadn’t been nice, just I didn’t like them very much. Maybe it was psychological. Maybe it was the fact that none of those lady doctors and nurses did anything I wanted. They gave me needles and stuck things down my throat and made me throw up. But they didn’t tell me what was wrong or give me prescriptions or let me go home. And, somehow, because nobody was telling me anything firm but just kept referring me to the next place, I guess I felt like they didn’t know what they were doing. This of course isn’t true, it is just the Japanese procedure I think, to wait for a blood test to confirm things before you tell the patient anything. But it left me feeling like I possibly wasn’t in the company of the people who could actually help me. But this last doctor, I liked him. And I think, looking back, the reason I liked him was two fold. Firstly, his bedside manner obviously just clicked with me. Which is why I commented on the fact that it makes such a difference to a patient’s comfort levels. And it’s interesting because I don’t think it’s something the doctor can control, it’s just a personality thing, and it in no way indicates their competency medically, but it can really make a difference to the patient I think. Anyway, so straight away I felt more at ease because of his x factor bedside manner. And when he was going through the same stethoscope/say aah routine as the others, somehow I felt like he knew what he was doing. Then he pulled out the blood test results. Which I didn’t understand at all, it was all kanji and numbers and it would have been gibberish even if it wasn’t in Japanese. But he explained in broken English (which was another reason I liked him!) that I had tonsillitis! What a smart man! So I liked him cos he told me what I wanted to hear, which was basically just confirming what I already knew. And then he made me lie down and felt around my stomach, which hurt in some places when he pressed it. And then he pulled out this little poster and showed me where it hurt and explained in Japanese and English that I had gastro as well. And that I had probably been showing symptoms of it for about a week. The only symptoms I had had was a tiny sore throat the previous 2 days, and extreme tiredness. Oh and I almost threw up when they tried to make me eat seafood on the Saturday night (3 days before), but I am pretty sure that was the seafood, although the gastro might have made me more sensitive than usual. But the exhaustion, and the resulting negative emotional state all seemed to make sense when he said I’d had the bug for about a week. So then I liked him because he gave me answers! And then he wrote me a script and let me go home. Which was the last reason I liked him J.
So I still felt like hell, but at least I knew I was nearly about to go back to the host family’s house to sleep. But there was still more waiting to be done. Had to wait for the doctors certificate, and then had to wait in line to pay. Which was very expensive, as Japanese hospitals are in general apparently. I think that is probably because they make patients see a million different doctors and give them a million different tests that they really don’t need just to jack up the price. Ok, so I’m sure they don’t do it to jack up the price, I’m sure they do it because they want to be quite sure what is wrong. But it doesn’t make being sick any easier, waiting for hours and hours and going from waiting room to waiting room. It was about $180, which I paid in cash because we were told before we left that if we had to go to hospital it would be expensive and we would need cash. So I’d kept money away just incase I had to go to hospital. Lucky. But I should be able to get the money back on insurance so it doesn’t really bother me too much.
Then after we got my pills (3 little round ones and a sachet of powder that I had to pour into a little rice paper cone and fold up and swallow….it was a huge pill in the end. About the size of a chocolate covered almond. I’m not kidding. It was bloody huge. 3 times a day!) I went home, had some lunch (no thanks host mother, I don’t want radish! Yes plain rice will be fine, at least that wont make me vomit, please just let me go to bed) and went to sleep. Slept fretfully on and off all afternoon. Woke about 6, went down for dinner, then went back to bed, even though I wasn’t really sleepy at the time, but still felt crappy, and didn’t really feel up to playing happy families. They wanted me to take a bath, but I declined. Really don’t think a 20 minute soak in a 41degree bath was going to be beneficial. (because I’m not used to it, the hot baths sometimes make me woozy anyway, even when I’m well, so I don’t think that it is wise when I have just had a fever and been vomiting all the previous night. Haven’t you ever heard of tepid? Tepid, people! Tepid!) So went back and lay in bed listening to Norah Jones on iPod and crying and feeling homesick. Eventually slept. Woke next morning at about 9 (sleep in! huzzah!) still felt pretty yuk, went down and had breakfast, which was plain bread (couldn’t find my vegemite, I was very disappointed, and worried I’d left it at previous host family’s house), took my pills, and went back to bed. Listened to a lot of Norah, felt very homesick, drifted in and out of sleep and read ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ all day. Got up, had dinner (plain rice…no I still can’t stomach radish, or miso soup host mother.) and went back to bed to read and listen to Norah.
The following day (Thursday 25th Oct) I got up at 6.30 and I felt sort of ok, but not great. Went down to tell host family I couldn’t go to school again that day. I probably could have gone, but I think if I had I would have been sick again by the end of the day. So I spent the day in bed again, reading and watching stardust on my ipod. It really really brightened my day, not just because I had been longing to watch tv or a movie the whole time I was sick (because yes, although sleep is very important, one cannot sleep 24 hours a day. And the rest of the time, one wants something one can engage in without actually making any effort, like watching tv. But tv and movies in Japanese were a big no go, because it is much too much effort and strain to try to understand. Plus I didn’t want to have to engage in conversation with host family, especially as everything my host mother said to me at that stage was still irritating me immensely, so I just stayed cooped up in my room for the most part). Anyway startdust is a lovely story and anyone who hasn’t seen it should, I think. And I just loved it because it was in English, with lovely English countryside and beautiful Claire Danes and gorgeous boy with gorgeous English accent. So it was overall, the best thing to happen to me all week. I would have watched it again that night, if my ipod battery didn’t run out.
Friday morning I felt ok, so I went to school. Was still very tired though, but managed to make it through the day. And it was good to get out of the house. There were tiny little whole fishes in the school lunch that day, which I just wouldn’t have been able to stomach, but I didn’t have to eat them because the doctor had said I couldn’t eat meat until I was better. I think he may have said fish was ok, but for me it wasn’t, it would have made me vomit, so I got out of eating it. Went to bed very early that night as was so tired.
Saturday I was feeling pretty good, spoke to my host mum about what to do that day. The weather was awful, so we couldn’t go to the mountains to see the kouyuu (autumn leaves) like we had been planning, and I had some shopping to do, so I asked if I could go to the shopping centre. By this time my host mother and I had developed a bit of a relationship, and I had been able to assert gently that I am actually quite capable of doing a lot of everyday things for myself, because I am not 7, so she wasn’t getting on my nerves quite so much. And now it is pretty much fine. Still, there are some things that I feel are overprotective, like the fact that if I haven’t drunk all the water in my water bottle by the end of the day she makes me tip it out and wash the bottle. Because apparently if I drink water that is a day old, it will make me sick. …. I’m not so sure about that. But I do what she says just to be polite. Yet, strangely, they made a big deal about the fact that I don’t have to wear a seatbelt in the back seat of cars in Japan. Seatbelts are automatic for me, so I just put them on. But even if they weren’t automatic, I would still put them on because of the obviously safety benefits. Anyway first day (day before I was sick) when they drove me and my host brother to school, I put my seatbelt on. And he laughed at me. And the mother was like ‘oh ellen, it’s ok you don’t have to wear it in the backseat, see how tatsuya (host brother) isn’t wearing his? (he was standing up and sitting down and bouncing around all over the place, while the car was in motion! And she didn’t even care!) you don’t have to waer it it’s ok.” But I politely said that it is a habit for me and I would prefer to wear it thanks. And I think it is so odd that she is worried about the day old water but not her seatbeltless 7 year old. And I think I would rather take my chances with day old water, even if it meant I got sick again and had to go to hospital, which I would hate, but I think it is very unlikely. But better that than death by windscreen, if you ask me. But I don’t drink the day old water, and I keep my seatbelt on.
Anyway Saturday I spent the morning chatting and playing with host brother and mother, and went to the shopping centre and wandered around for a while, did a bit of warm clothes shopping, and then met up with Tegan and Jemima. It was really good to chat to them in English and just hang out, after the week I’d had cooped up and frustrated and alone and sick. Jemima had also had tonsillitis and been to hospital so it was also good to compare stories. Oddly, she got the drip but not the blood test :S. When I got home from the shopping centre I was very very tired, and feeling very homesick. Had dinner with the family and went to bed early, because I had to get up and go to school next day. When I saw that I had a missed call on my phone from my folks, it just tipped me over the edge and I wept and wept until I eventually fell asleep. :-(
Sunday I had to go to school in the morning cos my class had a cooking thing on. So I went and made makizushi (what aussies would call sushi. The kind of stuff you buy at sushi bars) with them and ate that, which was nice. But sucky cos had to get up early on Sunday. Then after lunch, when all the kids had gone, I went and played the piano in the music room for over an hour. Which was bliss. God I miss my piano and my trombone. Piano especially though because it’s my emotional release. So in this time of extreme emotional disturbance, lack of piano is very difficult. And it’s good to be able to play even just for a few minutes, at school. So I played and sang and just revelled in it for an hour, which was lovely, and I really needed it.
Then I rode my bike back to host family’s house and we went to the mountains to see the autumn leaves. I didn’t really think about it much, but of course it was a very windy road in the mountains, and I got a bit car sick. Didn’t throw up, fortunately, but had a really bad headache. I should have taken a Kwell before I left home but didn’t think about it. Oh well. I did get to see some autumn leaves but as we only had a few hours of daylight, and it was quite a drive to get to the top of the mountains where all the leaves are red and orange, we only went about halfway up, and then looked for a bit and came back down. I don’t know what I was expecting, maybe a bushwalk or a picnic or something, but we got there, got out of the car, looked, took a couple of dodgy photos, and left again. So it was a bit of an anticlimax. On the way home we stopped in a little down that had a market going on, and wandered around there and got some icecream, so that was nice. But the trip to go see the autumn leaves was a bit of a let down really. And especially since I had a bad headache, was a bit disappointing. But the icecream was good J
Monday was school again. It went fine, but had a headache all day. Lunch was some rather unappetizing fish (I don’t mind fish, but only in fillets….dont like to have to eat the tails and everything. And this fish really wasn’t very nice, the kids were all saying it was yuk. I dunno maybe it was how it was cooked or something) but I managed to force them down the hatch. I was tired, and the headache was getting worse throughout the day, so that by the time I got home I was really feeling rotten. And I couldn’t take any panadol because I was still on the tonsillitis and gastro pills. Got home, had a shower and a very very short bath, but got out cos it was too hot and I felt too sick. I was close to tears just from the pain of my head, but my stomach was feeling ok, until I started to eat dinner. I told my host mother I had a headache, but when I started to cry eating dinner I think that was when I realised it was a migraine. I tried to communicate that, she seemed to understand, and sent me to bed. Went to bed. 10 minutes later I threw up. Went back to bed. 10 minutes after that I threw up again. Followed that pattern for about an hour, crying all the while until I eventually fell asleep. It was hell and I wanted to die. Migraines are just awful things. I was pretty sure it was a migraine but I don’t think my host mother believed that it would only last 8 hours, until I got up the next morning and was fine. I was so so so relieved, because I really never ever want to go to hospital ever again.
And fortunately I have been fine ever since J
And that is the end of part 1. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! The next blog is this week, with all the little bits of thought that i have been writing on my laptop at lunchtime at school! So please read on! I separated them cos right now in this word document that I’m writing it in, this is 10,000 words long! So I thought it would be easier to read if it was separated. Thanks for reading this far J
Love to everyone
